Late nights & hot coffee…

echo_by_kidchan-d34j2eo-500x400I haven’t been on here at all since summer semester started on May 12th, and when I say that it started, what I really mean is that it hit the ground running like the stampeding bulls barrel down the streets in Spain.

Unfortunately for me, my first semester at university happened to fall during the dreaded summer term, where courses are designed differently than the other two semesters of the year. In the spring and fall terms, classes are 16 weeks long, giving the professors plenty of time to space out the assignments and etc., but in the summer the courses are condensed down to only 6 weeks. So basically, your head spins like a top until you feel like vomiting from the motion sickness of it all.

Knowing this information prior to beginning summer term didn’t deter me from signing up for classes, nope, I just went for it and had the excitement and confidence that I’d kick ass like I did every other semester prior. Also, per my husband’s advice, I split up my semester so that I am taking two classes the first 6 weeks of summer and two the second half, instead of four in 6 weeks. I figured this was a good starting point, considering the shortened term and the fact that it is a new school and there would be an adjustment period, just like any other new beginning, but I was ready for it. So, my current schedule is: Monday/Wednesday – Structures of Modern English from 4:45PM – 7:45PM & Tuesday/Thursday Introduction to Literary Studies from 9:45AM – 12:55PM, which sounds simple enough right?

Mindfulness-and-Living-a-Busy-LifeThis schedule seems pretty simplistic in writing, and truth be told, even typing it out here makes me believe that it is easy too, but it really hasn’t been. I mean, I know that I’ve written about my school journey before and how I have been trucking along, getting things done, and I even wrote recently about how excited I was about starting the university, but this start is just so different from what I’d anticipated. It hit me like a freight train that first week, as the term started and my professors were already giving quizzes and research papers. I was sitting in my Literary Studies class just yesterday, on the verge of a panic attack because I felt so overwhelmed with everything, which hasn’t happened to me since my initial semester going back to school two years ago. I figured that this is normal to feel out of my depth so early on, when things are sparkly and new and seem larger than life, but as the weeks progress, I just haven’t felt any motivation to continue down this path. I’ve even considered dropping out altogether and just figuring out career options that might not need a degree but there’s not much to bite on in that arena, plus when I really think about quitting it makes me sick because it would be like strangling my dreams. So, I am hoping that it’s just a case of exhaustion mixed in with my own paranoia, or perhaps it is a side effect of a bit too much coffee to keep me awake enough to listen to three hour lectures, four days a week while also driving my husband and I all over the place in between our crappy sleep schedule, classes, and his work schedule. Whatever it is, all I know is that it has successfully sucked my confidence directly out of me like someone takes a pull from a cigarette. I’m like a vapor, gliding through a menagerie of mystical creatures that threaten to either eat me alive or give me solace from the shit storm of my own thoughts, and that, my dear readers, is a dangerous place to be.

Luckily, I have a good support group around me who let me vent and then give me good advice. I’ve also talked it out so much in this past week that I am beginning to feel a bit better about things, but I’m not all there yet. It’s a completely new experience for me, being surrounded by English majors, who are all wicked smart, and buddha-doodle-embrace-your-self-awareness-bravelyfeeling as if I am swimming in the shark tank and no one is giving me an offer. My feet haven’t found purchase yet on the slippery ground of my roiling mind, it’s a bit of chaos that is yet to be controlled, and perhaps it’s never meant to be controlled, but I am working on navigating the path anyway. For now I will look at it as Marilyn Monroe did when she said, “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” I’ll keep trucking along, meditating for peace of mind, and looking at the brighter side of things…there is a method to my madness and the end result is a degree in a subject that I am passionate about.

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2 thoughts on “Late nights & hot coffee…

  1. Violet says:

    Anxiety can take such a control of us and make us think and do crazy things. Feeling out of control is just a minor and a momentarily feeling and thank God it is just that. When we are smart enough to take control and conquer all that we fear we know this too shall pass. You are right that you have the support, you have the knowledge right in the palm of your hands and you will not be defeated. I could not be more proud of your writing skills and your will to see these next two years through. You are going to be very successful. I love you

    Like

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